I finally took Baby to my office today to meet my colleagues. It was pretty surreal being back there for the first time in months. It really was like worlds colliding, walking in there pushing my baby in a pram. It was great to see my boss and colleagues and friends again but it also gave me a lot of other mixed emotions.
On the one hand, it brought to the fore how I have been feeling lately about getting me back, just a slight yearning for the old me and my old life back. I miss adult company that doesn't involve talk about breastfeeding and sleep routines and tummy time and who has Pampers on offer this week. I miss a quick drink (or three) at the pub after work. I miss dining out in fine restaurants. Hell, I miss simply eating a meal with both hands most of the time!
On the other it has made me think a lot harder about my situation and how, when and even if I will return to work. I naively thought I would be itching to go back after 6 months but right now I can't even contemplate it, and that's what I went in to tell my boss. I have only just got my rhythm and am enjoying being a full time mum and spending time with my little guy more than I ever imagined I would. He is growing so fast and getting cuter and more fun by the day so how could I even think about missing that if I have the choice? Plus, with summer coming up there is much more fun to be had, with walks and picnics in the park, sitting out in the garden, lunches and coffees outdoors with friends. It would be the worst time to go back to work for me. What on earth was I thinking??
This is of course all related to the disastrous visit with the nursery on Monday. If I don't find something that is worlds better I have trouble imagining myself going back to work at all. I told my boss and HR that my return to work will largely depend on when we can get a place at a suitable nursery, and that may be anytime between September and January. I chatted to Hubby about it this evening and his feeling is, if we don't find suitable childcare I shouldn't go back yet, and even if we do but I am in two minds about leaving Baby there, if I would be working just to pay fees at an expensive nursery when I would rather be doing the childcare myself, then what's the point? So if I want to return to work because I want my independence, my career, my financial independence, etc. that's fine, but if I would like to stay at home with our son for longer then I don't have to. It has given me a lot of food for thought.
I still have a few months to think about it and make a decision. I guess it will depend on a combination of finding suitable childcare and seeing how we do financially during my unpaid months of maternity leave, and also how I feel personally about being completely financially dependent on Hubby. I do feel very lucky to be given the choice. I have always appreciated that it is very difficult for working women to have to face this choice but now these are my own shoes I'm stepping in. Hubby and I are both thankful we had a child here and not in the US (Hubby is American, I'm not just picking on Americans!). It dawned on me that if we had, I would most likely have had to return to work already and that feels unthinkable to me right now. I know that not everyone would feel this way and that if I had to do it I would roll with it, but it is nice to have the choice of taking a year off in the UK even though not all of that would be paid. I also feel blessed to have a supportive husband and to be in a situation where I am not forced down one or the other path.
I guess we'll see how things go. Who knows, a couple of months from now I may be ready to take a step back from full time motherhood and be raring to go back to the office.
Friday, 26 March 2010
Thursday, 25 March 2010
I don't want to jinx it but...
the little man slept through the night all night, as in from early evening until morning, 7pm until 6am, as in 11 hours!! I'm sure it was just a fluke and may not happen again for months but, wow!
The first time he slept for a long stretch through the night we woke up in the morning and Hubby said, "It's morning. Did he actually sleep through?" in disbelief. We wondered if he had actually been crying half the night and we were so exhausted we just slept through it all! That's exactly how we felt again this morning.
A full night's sleep comes with a price though. My boobs were so painful and leaky this morning!
The first time he slept for a long stretch through the night we woke up in the morning and Hubby said, "It's morning. Did he actually sleep through?" in disbelief. We wondered if he had actually been crying half the night and we were so exhausted we just slept through it all! That's exactly how we felt again this morning.
A full night's sleep comes with a price though. My boobs were so painful and leaky this morning!
Monday, 22 March 2010
The first nursery visit
Today a friend and I went to visit our first nursery (is it daycare in the US??), the start of our search for childcare for our proposed return to work later in the year. I left the place feeling what can only be described as horror! Well, that is perhaps a bit strong but it was certainly not a positive experience and left me feeling very worried about finding somewhere suitable for my baby.
I don't know if my expectations are unrealistically high but I do know you have to feel good about a place you intend to leave your infant for 10 hours a day! This place didn't make me feel that way at all. When we walked into the baby room it smelled funny, there was a chaotic feel about it, it didn't seem that clean and worst of all the staff didn't seem to care much. Am I expecting too much? I expected to see a bright, clean room with a warm atmosphere and staff who were engaging with the children. What we saw was a slightly grotty room with music blasting out of a stereo - they were supposedly doing Music & Movement with the children but what was happening was the children were just jumping around while one carer was looking completely uninterested in them and the other was running around after two kids who were being naughty - and there was still playdoh on the floor from the morning session. The most noticeable thing was that the staff seemed utterly disinterested and really didn't seem to interact much with the kids, the kids with them or even the kids with each other. And it was the same in all three age groups.
I came home and spoke to Hubby about it and he was the voice of calm and reason I needed to hear. He is concerned too but reminded me this was only the first of a few places I would visit and not to worry too much until I had seen the others. What we are both worried about is how tough it may be to get a place at a good nursery if we find one. We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it but right now it all feels a little scary.
I don't know if my expectations are unrealistically high but I do know you have to feel good about a place you intend to leave your infant for 10 hours a day! This place didn't make me feel that way at all. When we walked into the baby room it smelled funny, there was a chaotic feel about it, it didn't seem that clean and worst of all the staff didn't seem to care much. Am I expecting too much? I expected to see a bright, clean room with a warm atmosphere and staff who were engaging with the children. What we saw was a slightly grotty room with music blasting out of a stereo - they were supposedly doing Music & Movement with the children but what was happening was the children were just jumping around while one carer was looking completely uninterested in them and the other was running around after two kids who were being naughty - and there was still playdoh on the floor from the morning session. The most noticeable thing was that the staff seemed utterly disinterested and really didn't seem to interact much with the kids, the kids with them or even the kids with each other. And it was the same in all three age groups.
I came home and spoke to Hubby about it and he was the voice of calm and reason I needed to hear. He is concerned too but reminded me this was only the first of a few places I would visit and not to worry too much until I had seen the others. What we are both worried about is how tough it may be to get a place at a good nursery if we find one. We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it but right now it all feels a little scary.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
The start of something good or too good to be true?
For the last two nights Baby slept through, from around 2am until 7am. We hope this is the start of things to come and isn't just a fluke. It would be great to get some decent sleep again. Fingers crossed!Monday, 4 January 2010
Baby blues
A few days after my son was born I was hit by the baby blues. Inexplicable tears and sadness are really not helped by sleepless nights! And a couple of days ago I burst into tears just looking at my little boy for no reason other than he is so sweet and cute and perfect and I love him more than I could ever imagine loving anything, and I can't believe he's mine. What a basket case! Anyone know how long this madness is going to last?
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Things about childbirth that weren't as expected
Like most women I have heard things about pregnancy/childbirth/babies most of my adult life, but it really is something that you have to experience firsthand to understand. I had certain expectations or an understanding of some things that turned out to be not at all what I expected.
Contractions - Didn't feel like I'd expected. Somehow I thought it would be a pulsing or, well, contracting sensation but mine just felt like plain old pain! I knew they started off as similar to period cramps and get more intense but I was surprised at the feeling of very low and very intense period pain.
Waters breaking - I had been told for many people it is just a trickle or a small gush but you have time to rush off to the bathroom. Not in my case. My waters broke spectacularly and I am thankful it happened in the early morning at home and not while I was out in public. If I had been out at lunch or something, people's feet would have got wet! Also, it didn't stop leaking until the baby was delivered. I had a little gush of fluid with each contraction throughout my labour, I really don't know where it was all coming from. It was pretty tiresome.
Breastfeeding - Somehow you would think it would be the most natural thing in the world but I was surprised at how tough nursing is. I had been warned by friends who had difficulty so I wasn't completely unprepared but it was still a surprise when it was such a learning curve for both me and baby. My nipples are taking a real battering but I keep telling myself it's worth it.
Signs of labour - You're told in late pregnancy what the signs of labour are and what to expect but you really can't know until you actually experience it. But it's true what they say, you will know when it happens. I had quite a few times when I would go, is this it, is this the start of labour? Like, feeling a little wet down there and wondering if it was my waters, but when my waters actually did break there was absolutely no mistaking it. Feeling cramps and wondering if it was a contraction, but when the real contractions start there is no doubt that's what they are. You get the picture.
Delivery - The one thing I really did not know about having a baby was how close it is to having a pooh!! I spent all that time doing pelvic floor exercises thinking it was all about trying to control my lady bits, I did not expect labour to be so much about feeling like I needed to do a huge pooh! And then being told to push into my bottom as if I am doing exactly that. Nor was I prepared for just how uncomfortable that pressure feels when the baby is descending and how much you can feel it despite the epidural. In fact, I asked the midwife to unhook me from the monitor so I could go to the bathroom and she refused, telling me I didn't need to go, it was the baby I could feel and that's a good sign. I totally didn't believe her and was almost in tears thinking I would soil myself. Grim! And I can't even begin to tell you how traumatic it is needing to go number two ever since, I think I am going to push out a baby!
I'm sure there will be many unexpected things about raising a baby too. I'll keep you posted!
Contractions - Didn't feel like I'd expected. Somehow I thought it would be a pulsing or, well, contracting sensation but mine just felt like plain old pain! I knew they started off as similar to period cramps and get more intense but I was surprised at the feeling of very low and very intense period pain.
Waters breaking - I had been told for many people it is just a trickle or a small gush but you have time to rush off to the bathroom. Not in my case. My waters broke spectacularly and I am thankful it happened in the early morning at home and not while I was out in public. If I had been out at lunch or something, people's feet would have got wet! Also, it didn't stop leaking until the baby was delivered. I had a little gush of fluid with each contraction throughout my labour, I really don't know where it was all coming from. It was pretty tiresome.
Breastfeeding - Somehow you would think it would be the most natural thing in the world but I was surprised at how tough nursing is. I had been warned by friends who had difficulty so I wasn't completely unprepared but it was still a surprise when it was such a learning curve for both me and baby. My nipples are taking a real battering but I keep telling myself it's worth it.
Signs of labour - You're told in late pregnancy what the signs of labour are and what to expect but you really can't know until you actually experience it. But it's true what they say, you will know when it happens. I had quite a few times when I would go, is this it, is this the start of labour? Like, feeling a little wet down there and wondering if it was my waters, but when my waters actually did break there was absolutely no mistaking it. Feeling cramps and wondering if it was a contraction, but when the real contractions start there is no doubt that's what they are. You get the picture.
Delivery - The one thing I really did not know about having a baby was how close it is to having a pooh!! I spent all that time doing pelvic floor exercises thinking it was all about trying to control my lady bits, I did not expect labour to be so much about feeling like I needed to do a huge pooh! And then being told to push into my bottom as if I am doing exactly that. Nor was I prepared for just how uncomfortable that pressure feels when the baby is descending and how much you can feel it despite the epidural. In fact, I asked the midwife to unhook me from the monitor so I could go to the bathroom and she refused, telling me I didn't need to go, it was the baby I could feel and that's a good sign. I totally didn't believe her and was almost in tears thinking I would soil myself. Grim! And I can't even begin to tell you how traumatic it is needing to go number two ever since, I think I am going to push out a baby!
I'm sure there will be many unexpected things about raising a baby too. I'll keep you posted!
The birth story
As promised, this is my birth story. I'm still a little traumatised by the memory of it but at the risk of sounding cliche, it is all worth it when I hold my gorgeous baby boy.
As I'd mentioned, I started to get mild contractions on my due date (Tuesday) which started to get more frequent and uncomfortable through the day and I thought that was the start of things but they subsided into the evening, which was annoying and disappointing. I had some moderate and irregular contractions and other early signs over the next day or so but I was getting really impatient for things to progress. Then Thursday morning and afternoon I had some spotting which then increased and became darker in the evening so I called the hospital and they told me it was probably a show but to come in and check it just in case. We were there all Thursday evening and they confirmed it was a show and sent me home. We got home around 1.00am and my contractions started around 2.30 and got really painful and really frequent very fast. I had a terrible sleepless night being woken by them every few minutes, some of them were much more intense than others. I called the hospital at 6.00am and they said to take Paracetamol (Tylenol), get some rest and eat something for the energy, then call again in two hours. Let me tell you, Paracetamol is worse than useless for contractions! I don't think I was even in bed for more than 15 minutes before I sat up and shouted "Paracetamol is SHIT!!! It doesn't do ANYTHING!". Rest was futile and I never got around to eating anything because my waters broke dramatically at around 7.30 and we called and went straight into hospital. Because I was Group B Strep positive I had to go straight in as soon as my waters broke to get the IV antibiotics started because of the increased risk of infection. At 9.00am I was 4cm dilated but they found meconium in my waters so had to put baby on continuous monitoring which I hated because it meant with that and the IV I had to pretty much be strapped down to the bed. It wasn't the active labour I had hoped for and I found it really uncomfortable being confined to bed like that for hours. It was a long labour, I was progressing but not as fast as we'd like and it looked like the baby was getting distressed. His heartbeat was dropping off after contractions and there was talk of doing an emergency c-section but they did a fetal scalp sample and decided we could continue with labour. The pain was intense, some of the contractions were so much harder than others. The midwife said that happens with meconium in the fluids, it can give some contractions more of an edge. I started off with entonox which made me really drunk/high but after a while didn't take enough of the pain away so I asked for an epidural. After waiting a while for it I got it but it didn't work! At that point I was giving up hope but they redid it and the second one worked a treat. By then I wanted to have the anaesthetist's baby I was so happy!! I had hoped to avoid having an epidural but the way things worked out it felt really necessary because not only was the Entonox no longer effective for some of the more intense contractions, but I was so exhausted by then from a tortured sleepless night and low on energy from an empty stomach (I had last eaten the previous evening but had thrown my guts up since) that I simply wouldn't have had the energy to push if I hadn't had the epidural and managed to sleep for a while once the pain was gone. I finally ended up having an assisted delivery with ventouse, which wasn't exactly the birth I'd wanted but wasn't as bad as I'd expected. The actual pushing stage was quick as we had to deliver urgently by that point. It turned out the cord was wrapped around the baby which was what was causing him distress. Luckily it wasn't around his neck but he was wearing it like a sash and it was pulling him back as he was descending which is why he was showing distress during/after contractions.
Hubby was just amazing, I don't know how I would have done it without him. I know he was worried about being abused and yelled at, that's what people kept telling him would happen, but I didn't lose it with him at all. I don't think I had the energy! I was grateful he was there and he was totally supportive and helpful in all the right ways. What I found invaluable was having him there to encourage me during the pushing. I was so tired and finding it really difficult and it also felt like I was busting blood vessels pushing hard but nothing was happening because I couldn't really feel anything. What encouraged and spurred me on when I was tiring and wanting to give up was him telling me I was doing great and he could see the baby's head. (Of course I didn't believe what the doctors and midwife were telling me!)
Our darling son was born at 9.20pm, very healthy despite his ordeal and mine, so we were thrilled. He was 7.5 lbs and 20.5 inches long. They were pleased that both of us were doing well, even though my body was a battlefield, and let us come home the next day.
We are typical first time parents, gazing adoringly at him all the time and marvelling at how wonderful and perfect he is. He has been keeping us up at night and we are both completely exhausted but it's all totally worth it, he is just amazing.
As I'd mentioned, I started to get mild contractions on my due date (Tuesday) which started to get more frequent and uncomfortable through the day and I thought that was the start of things but they subsided into the evening, which was annoying and disappointing. I had some moderate and irregular contractions and other early signs over the next day or so but I was getting really impatient for things to progress. Then Thursday morning and afternoon I had some spotting which then increased and became darker in the evening so I called the hospital and they told me it was probably a show but to come in and check it just in case. We were there all Thursday evening and they confirmed it was a show and sent me home. We got home around 1.00am and my contractions started around 2.30 and got really painful and really frequent very fast. I had a terrible sleepless night being woken by them every few minutes, some of them were much more intense than others. I called the hospital at 6.00am and they said to take Paracetamol (Tylenol), get some rest and eat something for the energy, then call again in two hours. Let me tell you, Paracetamol is worse than useless for contractions! I don't think I was even in bed for more than 15 minutes before I sat up and shouted "Paracetamol is SHIT!!! It doesn't do ANYTHING!". Rest was futile and I never got around to eating anything because my waters broke dramatically at around 7.30 and we called and went straight into hospital. Because I was Group B Strep positive I had to go straight in as soon as my waters broke to get the IV antibiotics started because of the increased risk of infection. At 9.00am I was 4cm dilated but they found meconium in my waters so had to put baby on continuous monitoring which I hated because it meant with that and the IV I had to pretty much be strapped down to the bed. It wasn't the active labour I had hoped for and I found it really uncomfortable being confined to bed like that for hours. It was a long labour, I was progressing but not as fast as we'd like and it looked like the baby was getting distressed. His heartbeat was dropping off after contractions and there was talk of doing an emergency c-section but they did a fetal scalp sample and decided we could continue with labour. The pain was intense, some of the contractions were so much harder than others. The midwife said that happens with meconium in the fluids, it can give some contractions more of an edge. I started off with entonox which made me really drunk/high but after a while didn't take enough of the pain away so I asked for an epidural. After waiting a while for it I got it but it didn't work! At that point I was giving up hope but they redid it and the second one worked a treat. By then I wanted to have the anaesthetist's baby I was so happy!! I had hoped to avoid having an epidural but the way things worked out it felt really necessary because not only was the Entonox no longer effective for some of the more intense contractions, but I was so exhausted by then from a tortured sleepless night and low on energy from an empty stomach (I had last eaten the previous evening but had thrown my guts up since) that I simply wouldn't have had the energy to push if I hadn't had the epidural and managed to sleep for a while once the pain was gone. I finally ended up having an assisted delivery with ventouse, which wasn't exactly the birth I'd wanted but wasn't as bad as I'd expected. The actual pushing stage was quick as we had to deliver urgently by that point. It turned out the cord was wrapped around the baby which was what was causing him distress. Luckily it wasn't around his neck but he was wearing it like a sash and it was pulling him back as he was descending which is why he was showing distress during/after contractions.
Hubby was just amazing, I don't know how I would have done it without him. I know he was worried about being abused and yelled at, that's what people kept telling him would happen, but I didn't lose it with him at all. I don't think I had the energy! I was grateful he was there and he was totally supportive and helpful in all the right ways. What I found invaluable was having him there to encourage me during the pushing. I was so tired and finding it really difficult and it also felt like I was busting blood vessels pushing hard but nothing was happening because I couldn't really feel anything. What encouraged and spurred me on when I was tiring and wanting to give up was him telling me I was doing great and he could see the baby's head. (Of course I didn't believe what the doctors and midwife were telling me!)
Our darling son was born at 9.20pm, very healthy despite his ordeal and mine, so we were thrilled. He was 7.5 lbs and 20.5 inches long. They were pleased that both of us were doing well, even though my body was a battlefield, and let us come home the next day.
We are typical first time parents, gazing adoringly at him all the time and marvelling at how wonderful and perfect he is. He has been keeping us up at night and we are both completely exhausted but it's all totally worth it, he is just amazing.
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