Worlds colliding

I finally took Baby to my office today to meet my colleagues. It was pretty surreal being back there for the first time in months. It really was like worlds colliding, walking in there pushing my baby in a pram. It was great to see my boss and colleagues and friends again but it also gave me a lot of other mixed emotions.

On the one hand, it brought to the fore how I have been feeling lately about getting me back, just a slight yearning for the old me and my old life back. I miss adult company that doesn't involve talk about breastfeeding and sleep routines and tummy time and who has Pampers on offer this week. I miss a quick drink (or three) at the pub after work. I miss dining out in fine restaurants. Hell, I miss simply eating a meal with both hands most of the time!

On the other it has made me think a lot harder about my situation and how, when and even if I will return to work. I naively thought I would be itching to go back after 6 months but right now I can't even contemplate it, and that's what I went in to tell my boss. I have only just got my rhythm and am enjoying being a full time mum and spending time with my little guy more than I ever imagined I would. He is growing so fast and getting cuter and more fun by the day so how could I even think about missing that if I have the choice? Plus, with summer coming up there is much more fun to be had, with walks and picnics in the park, sitting out in the garden, lunches and coffees outdoors with friends. It would be the worst time to go back to work for me. What on earth was I thinking??

This is of course all related to the disastrous visit with the nursery on Monday. If I don't find something that is worlds better I have trouble imagining myself going back to work at all. I told my boss and HR that my return to work will largely depend on when we can get a place at a suitable nursery, and that may be anytime between September and January. I chatted to Hubby about it this evening and his feeling is, if we don't find suitable childcare I shouldn't go back yet, and even if we do but I am in two minds about leaving Baby there, if I would be working just to pay fees at an expensive nursery when I would rather be doing the childcare myself, then what's the point? So if I want to return to work because I want my independence, my career, my financial independence, etc. that's fine, but if I would like to stay at home with our son for longer then I don't have to. It has given me a lot of food for thought.

I still have a few months to think about it and make a decision. I guess it will depend on a combination of finding suitable childcare and seeing how we do financially during my unpaid months of maternity leave, and also how I feel personally about being completely financially dependent on Hubby. I do feel very lucky to be given the choice. I have always appreciated that it is very difficult for working women to have to face this choice but now these are my own shoes I'm stepping in. Hubby and I are both thankful we had a child here and not in the US (Hubby is American, I'm not just picking on Americans!). It dawned on me that if we had, I would most likely have had to return to work already and that feels unthinkable to me right now. I know that not everyone would feel this way and that if I had to do it I would roll with it, but it is nice to have the choice of taking a year off in the UK even though not all of that would be paid. I also feel blessed to have a supportive husband and to be in a situation where I am not forced down one or the other path.

I guess we'll see how things go. Who knows, a couple of months from now I may be ready to take a step back from full time motherhood and be raring to go back to the office.