Baby cuddles

Is it true that baby boys are much more affectionate than girls? My little boy is so sweet and cuddly and I just can't get enough of it. He loves to hold me around my neck and hug and cuddle with me and also tries to give me kisses, which actually are just very wet open-mouthed licks or nibbles on my cheek or nose (which is where I kiss him) whilst grabbing my face with both hands.

Mummy's boy? I think so!!

Teeth update

Two more teeth have just appeared. We have a fourth one on the bottom row, and the second top tooth. That makes six and counting.

I still can't get used to my baby having teeth at all!

Milestone madness

I've been a terrible blogger lately. Baby and I have been keeping busy - him growing fast and hard and me trying to keep up with him. At almost eight months now he is concentrating mainly on sitting up, trying to crawl, and talking, all very cute.

He is now able to sit unaided but is still a little wobbly and has a terrible habit of throwing himself backwards which has caused him to hit his head a couple of times. I can't wait until he gets a little stronger at that so I don't have to worry about that anymore.

He has always been very vocal but is now really trying to communicate and engaging in the cutest "conversation". He has also started calling for me but only when crying! It goes "Ma ma ma maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa". The first couple of times I assumed it was a new sound he was practising but when I was out one night (on one of those extremely rare occasions!) Hubby said he was refusing his bottle and looking around for me while calling "Ma ma ma maaaa! Ma ma ma maaaaa!" and he was convinced he really was calling me. Right after that he started making lots of dadadada sounds as well as lots of general conversational babble.

As far as crawling goes he's not moving yet, there's just a lot of swimming on land action. He's shuffling around pretty well and trying to get up on his knees but isn't managing to combine them and doesn't seem strong enough yet. He really wants to do it though and we get a lot of tears of frustration as he gets really mad at himself for not being able to. It's funny because he's very strong when you hold him standing up and seems happier doing that, but not so motivated to crawl. I feel quite guilty that I probably don't give him enough time to practise too, we don't have a huge amount of floor space right now but are in the process of downsizing and babyproofing so we can make some room for him.

His fine motor skills, however, are top notch and I put that down to Baby Led Weaning. He is really good with his hands and already has a good pincer grip. He grabs and holds stuff very well, is able to pass things from hand to hand and knows how to adjust a piece of food in his hand when he's nibbled it all the way down to his fist. He's also very good at grabbing my hair, which is not so great!

My little baby is growing so fast, I can't believe how big he is now and how much he's doing.
*sniff*

Flipping heck!

After a few weeks of complete lack of interest or motivation in rolling, Baby has suddenly become incredibly active and starting shuffling, spinning and rolling around in his bed at night. I keep hearing bangs and crashes and go into his room to find him with a leg up on the bars or him sleeping on his front (often also facing a different direction than I'd put him down in). I've been flipping him back over onto his back when I find he's turned over as I'm nervous about leaving him sleeping on his front. The advice is conflicting so I'm not sure who to listen to. I know generations of babies slept on their tummies and are fine and many believe if they've turned themselves over it's ok to leave them but I can't help but worry when you hear others say it's not safe to let your baby sleep on it's front. I guess it's more sleepless nights for me until he gets stronger and I get less neurotic!!


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Holy sh...

This is going to be a TMI post and anyone who is particularly squeamish about number twos should stop reading right now.

Baby had to be CUT OUT OF HIS CLOTHES yesterday. Yes, you heard me right. We had a toxic leak so toxic and so leaky that I saw no way of dealing with it other than screaming at Dad (who was thankfully home at the time) to get me the scissors and I cut up a brand new bodysuit which was covered in hazardous sludge literally from top to bottom. Oh yes, it went all the way up and across his back up to his neck. Oh. My. God!!!

Weaning fun

Well, we finally recovered from the jet lag after about a week or so. And then bravely embarked on weaning adventures. Baby has been interested in food for quite some time, watching us eat and reaching for food, so we knew he was ready for solids and once he reached six months we celebrated his half birthday with some real food.

I'm following Baby Led Weaning, which gets mixed reactions but seems to be working for us. We've discovered that our little monkey hates being spoon fed but likes food as long as he gets to play and explore and feed himself. And he's good at it too. It is very cute to watch. So far he's been eating some fruits and vegetables as finger foods but when I attempt to give him yoghurt, fromage frais or porridge he acts like I'm torturing him. However, if I give him the spoon he will attempt to feed himself and then it's not so bad. It's cute but messy and takes forever. I pray for the patience to continue with this once the novelty has worn off and the willpower to fight off the urge to just pin him down and shovel mush into his mouth (which is the whole reason I chose to go the BLW route instead of the traditional phases).

Let's hope we don't have to repaint the walls soon!

Time zone madness

Baby is still on California time. Check out the timestamp on this post. We've been back a week and are still suffering from severe jet lag. If you thought sleep is a problem with a baby, try living with a baby who is jet lagged. He's up most of the night wanting to play at the moment then finally goes to sleep around 4am which is bedtime in Cali. This means of course he sleeps until lunchtime, wants a feed and then wants to sleep again. It's not just him though, we're all suffering and it seems quite unusually persistent this time. I have had a few nights of not sleeping at all until morning. This morning I managed to wake us both up and get out if the house early to try and help us adjust back but poor little guy was just dazed all day. And sleepy. I hope we get straightened out soon.


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Where am I?

It's 4am and I am wide awake, and my body thinks it's dinner time. Curse you jet lag! And as if that's not bad enough we only just got the little monkey to sleep a short while ago. Jet lagged baby = not a pretty sight! We've been back a couple of days and last night he went to sleep around 4am and woke up at lunchtime. I, however, was up the entire night without so much as a snooze until 7am.

And as if on cue, I just heard a squeak on the monitor. I'll post about the trip after I've recovered.


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Leaving on a jet plane

Our little family is heading stateside in the morning, to visit the grandparents and introduce Baby to our friends. Dad and I are both nervous about our first flight with an infant. We've got some bad karma, we used to be the people who hated getting on a flight with kids on it, and now we'll be the ones people pray not to sit next to!

Packing is interesting too. Now I get to overpack for two of us!!

I'll let you know how it goes.


-- Post From My iPhone

Bugaboo seduction

I am weak, and possibly a little crazy. When we were expecting and shopping for a pram/stroller I researched to within an inch of my life to make sure I got the perfect one for us. After a couple of months of research, of to-ing and fro-ing about which one was the one and driving my husband crazy, I decided on the iCandy Cherry. It's light, folds easily and looks nice and was well priced in the middle range.

Well, this week I caved and bought a new stroller. I discovered they had released a new Bugaboo Bee this month and I wanted it!! Ridiculous. The Bee had been on my original shortlist but I decided against it in the end because I felt it was small and wouldn't last as long as the Cherry, but the new model addresses this issue and has an extendable seat. I don't know what came over me but I lusted after it for a few days but kept telling myself it was silly, and then the husband (tired of feeling the deja vu of the first stroller buying saga) just told me to get it if it's what I wanted and suits our needs better.

So I went from this:


to this:

and despite myself, have joined the ranks of the North West London Bugaboo brigade. I feel rather like I have joined a cult!

So here's where I justify myself. The Cherry is a fantastic stroller and I loved it but at this stage the Bee seems to be more suitable for me now and here's why:

• The Cherry is light and folds easily but doesn't fold in one piece whereas the Bee does, and this is its main advantage. The Cherry is perfect when I walk or take the bus as I normally do but when I drive it's a bit more of a pain to mess around with the two pieces. So far it hasn't been a problem because when driving I just take the frame and use the Maxi Cosi car seat on it, but this won't be the case for much longer as I had just noticed my son will be ready for his next stage car seat soon.
  
• For the moment, I can still use the Maxi Cosi on the Bee but don't have to take the seat unit off as I do with the Cherry. This is a big plus for me as it means I have the choice of clicking the car seat on if Baby is fast asleep when we arrive at our destination and I don't want to risk waking him by getting him out, or using the stroller if he is awake and wants to come out of it.
  
• The Bee is also a small and ergonomic shape which makes carrying it folded or unfolded easier. The Cherry is light but larger and more cumbersome and I wouldn't be able to carry it up or down any stairs with my baby in it, whereas I could just about manage it with the Bee.
• If I need to fold the stroller for some reason, ie. to save space in a restaurant or at a friend's, it's easy to do so whereas with the Cherry it was tough to do with the two pieces unless I was using the car seat.
  
• I loved the Cherry as a pram when my son was still in the carrycot, I thought it looked nice and was a good, nippy little pram to go out and about in and I think I had originally really loved the idea of a more traditional pram that lay completely flat than an all around pushchair like the Bee. However now that he's outgrown the pram and moved into the stroller (much earlier than the six months that's recommended) I was no longer as smitten with our wheels and being the fickle person I am my head was turned by the Bee.
• The Bee has great suspension which I didn't think I would need in the city but the pavements around here are not as flat and easy to maneuvre as I had thought. I have run aground in the Cherry a couple of times on some hazardous sticky-out bits of paving stone on my street.
• The raincover for the Bee is much better It's softer and therefore easier to fold up to put in the basket - and living in England we have to pretty much always have it with us, just in case. It's also a lot easier to attach, with a hook and elastic rather than just velcro, and most importantly has a peephole flap which is useful for reaching in to adjust a blanket or hand a toy or whatever to baby without having to undo the side or reach in from underneath.
  
• It's shallow of me but while I loved the pram/carrycot I don't think the Cherry stroller looks as nice. I do also like the colour coordination and customisation possibilities of the Bee (and indeed all the Bugaboos).
• Again shallow, but I love the wealth of accessories available for the Bugaboos. This is not a good thing however, as they do not come cheap and it's a very slippery slope.
  
• I found it very difficult to get hold of iCandy accessories, the company seemed to be very unreliable with ordering times of up to eight weeks and poor communication on delivery etc. Bugaboo accessories are much more common and easily available.
• Now this is the shallowest thing of all but the straw that broke the camel's back when it came to finally caving and buying it was, they have an iPhone holder!! Yes, I'm that shallow!!

And so it was that I bit the bullet and ordered my shiny new Bugaboo Bee+ with a blue canopy, a grey seat liner and the iPhone holder. And then during a bought of insomnia I got up in the middle of the night and ordered a footmuff and sun canopy by torchlight!! See? I told you it was a slippery slope. And I am clearly unhinged!

So if anyone is in the London area and is looking for a barely used iCandy Cherry stroller (without the carrycot which I have given to a friend who just had her baby and bought the Cherry too) in red (Licorice), drop me a line. It and its accessories will be found on ebay shortly.

Ouch! That's sharp!

My five month old cut his first tooth today. What a bittersweet moment. And what a big week for the little fella, a haircut and a tooth all within a couple of days of each other!!

He's been a little out of sorts the last couple of days, not his usual happy and easy self. He's been showing the classic signs of teething for at least a month now - dribbling, chewing on anything he can get his hands on, funny poos, disturbed sleep, etc - but the last couple of days he's been unusually clingy as well as generally moody. Tonight during a particularly reluctant bedtime routine I was giving him his bedtime feed and he gave me a hard bite which hurt more than usual, it felt sharp. So I rubbed the bottom front of his gums with my finger and sure enough felt a little sharp edge and when I looked I saw it. It's hardly noticeable but definitely there. And it definitely wasn't there this morning.

I can't believe my baby is growing so fast. And I can't believe what a sentimental fool I've become but I don't feel quite ready for all this. Just when I've begun thinking about weaning and researching high chairs! It's all going to happen so fast.

Baby got a haircut

My baby boy just turned 5 months old and I'm wondering where the time went. At 5 months he just had his very first haircut this evening, completely unplanned. There is a palpable lump in my throat now!

My little boy has a lot of hair, he was born with a shock of dark hair and it just grew and grew and is one of his best features. We get lots of comments on it. But it was getting too long and I had been wanting to trim it. I got beaten to the post though. Today we went with Daddy to get his hair cut and got talked into cutting baby's hair too. Daddy wanted it done, he thought it was too long and unruly and as we're going to Southern California next week it would be a good time since it will be hot there. I just didn't feel prepared but went along with it and sat wincing as I watched my beautiful baby boy's beautiful baby hair fall to the floor. He does look cute but so different without it and now I'm worried I barely recognise my own baby.

*sob*

Separation anxiety... and relief

After several nights of broken sleep and the insanity that follows, we decided we had to take some real decisive action to find a solution. There is a little bit of translation needed for this as the UK/US terms for baby beds are slightly confusing. Since birth Baby had been sleeping in a crib (cradle in American) in our room, but we also have the nursery set up with his cot (crib in American) which we were planning to move him to when he outgrew the crib. I had been putting him down in the cot for naps recently, to get him used to it, and he seems to like it and settles well in it. He also has a lot of toys and things in it now. So we decided it might soon be time to move him into his own room but I didn't want to do it while he was up so many times during the night, it's a bigger effort to feed him then.

In the last week or so he had got worse and worse with bedtime, not wanting to settle down at all, waking up crying soon after being put to bed, and waking frequently through the night. This is after he had been sleeping through the night since he was around 2 months old, he used to settle himself when we put him down in the crib awake and then sleep until morning. But now he seemed uncomfortable and he is definitely showing teething signs so we put the frequent waking down to that. Plus, all his friends seem to be doing the same hing. The only time he would sleep for a decent stretch is if I brought him into the bed with us, but that is definitely not something we want to make a regular thing of.

I wasn't sure it would work but I wanted to let him sleep in the cot in his own room for a night and see how he did. We came to this decision two nights ago when we had had enough! I figured if he freaks out what's the difference, we're not sleeping either way! But you know what? That first night was perfect, he slept 11 hours. Hallelujah!! He is just much more comfortable, with more room to move I think. He likes to move his arms around and the crib had got just too small for him, we could hear his hands bang against the bars when he threw his arms out. Last night he did wake up for a feed around 2am but hey, I can live with that. What a good boy. I may have to get him a nice new cot mobile as a reward!

It was a huge milestone for me though. I had a "my little baby is growing up" moment in a big way. Of course I was a little anxious too. I mean, he was only in the next room and it's not like our place is huge but I had to have the baby monitor turned up high sitting on my bedside cabinet, right by my head! And you'd think I'd be catching up on sleep but I was up a couple of times in the night, sneaking into his room to check on him. I kind of miss him being at the end of our bed too. We would peer at him constantly and now the crib is empty. On the up side, Hubby and I no longer have to tiptoe around in the dark and whisper for fear of waking him when we go to bed.

Ah sleep, sweet sweet friend. Welcome back!

Teething pains

My little boy has been teething for the last couple of weeks and it seems to be increasingly uncomfortable for him. I've heard this in no way guarantees a tooth will appear soon, that they can go through the discomfort of teething pains for some time before they actually get teeth. That seems horribly unfair! He's getting all the signs though - dribbles that would make your average waterfall envious, strange poos that either look like he's been eating grass or mucus, rosy cheeks, some irritability, and putting everything in his mouth. He has also had disturbed sleep now, waking 3 or 4 times in the night when he had previously been sleeping through the night already.

One of the remedies that everyone seems to recommend is teething granules, a homeopathic remedy that I had never previously heard of. But everyone else seems to have not only heard of them but say they are the best thing ever. Even my husband came home telling me that, after talking to some people at the office! They sounded really weird to me but as everyone swore by them I decided to give it a try and picked some up yesterday. Anyone tried this stuff? It's like giving your baby a recreational drug!! I had to laugh. The stuff comes in little sachets so you rip it open and tip it out and it's this white grainy, powdery stuff. The packet says to just pour it into the child's mouth but my friends and acquaintances told me it's most effective if you rub it on their gums. So there I was rubbing this white powdery substance on my baby's gums. And he loved it! He smiled and laughed as I rubbed it and he licked and sucked on my fingers, wanting more. It was hilarious. There was my 4 month old with white powder around his mouth, grabbing my finger and licking it for more, like a desperate addict. I wondered if I should offer him a credit card and a twenty!!

I also want to get him a Sophie, I've heard great things about those too. I should have one in a few days so I'll report on that later. Other than that, let's wait for these teeth to come through. When they do I'm guessing that might be the beginning of the end of nursing for me?! Ouch!

Sleep, old friend, where did you go?

Since my last post about sleep and going backwards things have got progressively worse. Baby has been pretty unpredictable, sometimes sleeping through and sometimes getting up a couple of times during the night. And all my friends and my friends' friends with babies the same age are all experiencing the same thing. It's weird how none of us heard about this before. You hear about how it gets easier around 3-4 months and you think it's a linear progression but no, they go backwards!!

The last few days I've been doing 2-3 night feeds. Baby used to be difficult to put to bed in the evenings but slept through the night from around 11pm-12am. Then we got that licked and he started going to bed around 8pm, settling himself to sleep like an angel and sleeping through until morning (usually around 7am). Those were some good times! Then he started waking up once a night on some nights. Then he started to wake up more - like 12am, 3am, 6am. And just the last couple of days he has started to be difficult to settle in the evenings again, fighting his bedtimes. Linear regression!

It's a good thing they're so damn cute and loveable. We wouldn't put up with this crap from just anybody. Am I right?

4 months

My little baby boy is 4 months old and I can't believe where the time has gone. His dad and I have been sorting through photos and videos and can't believe how he has grown and changed and how it seems so long ago that he was this tiny little squirmy thing we brought home from the hospital.

He is so cute and fun now. He is such a sweet, smiley, happy baby and there is no sound in the world cuter than your baby's giggle. He is so curious all the time, looking around with his big wide eyes. He laughs and giggles all the time. He's getting really good at grabbing things and it's so cute to watch him really concentrate on something while he grabs it and tries to get it in his mouth. And yes, everything goes in his mouth now. Today I watched him staring at his own feet all the time and grabbing them. I guess that's his new thing. They didn't quite make it into his mouth but I'm sure it won't be long!

He also babbles a lot. He's been doing it for a while now. Daddy says it's because Mummy talks to him so much and doesn't shut up so he does it to get a word in edgeways! It is adorable though. He seems to "get" conversation and responds to us talking to him. He peaks in the evening and loves his quality time with Daddy, it's like he's telling him about his day! In the last week or so he has started to sound a little different. He squeals and shouts more than babbles, and also makes very distinct complaining sounds and "singing".

The one thing he's not so good at is rolling. All of his friends seem to have rolled over at least once and he just doesn't seem interested in doing it. He's been rolling onto his side for a while and I guess that's the sign it could happen suddenly soon, but he's made no moves that way at all. I don't know if that's because I don't give him enough tummy time or what. I guess he'll just do it when he's ready. When he does tummy time he makes crawling movements, and he's always been very strong at holding his head up, but rolling? Nah!

He can also sit up pretty well, propped up. He likes his Bumbo but not for too long. I can tell when he's had enough of it because he starts to protest and arches his back to get out of it. He can sit up on the sofa and looks so comfortable doing it that I want to offer him a drink and the TV remote, but he tips over after a little while if not propped up well enough. Which is funnier than it should be to watch!

He loves songs. We go to a music and rhyme session every week and he loves the nursery rhymes sung with actions. I do them with him at home all the time and he loves it, he definitely has his favourites and they make him laugh and giggle. He especially likes anything that involves his nose!

We have also been swimming and he's doing great at that. He now knows to close his eyes and mouth when he hears "Ready.... Go!" and has been going underwater a lot of times each class. We have a trip to California planned for the end of May and I can't wait to go swimming with him. It means Dad can come too. I know he would like to swim with him, and it means we'll also be able to take some pictures and videos. Dad bought a waterproof video camera before Baby was born, knowing that one of the things I really wanted to do with him was swimming.

I know I keep saying it, but I love motherhood! It's probably a weird thing to say but I just didn't expect to like it this much and it's been without doubt the best surprise of my life.

More nursery visits

I forgot to update y'all when it happened but I went to see two more nursery (daycare) facilities a couple of weeks ago. After the scary visit to the first one, I now feel much better having seen others.

The second one was miles better than the first and I felt such a sense of relief knowing that there was at least one place I could happily leave my child. It was very different to the first. The baby room was bright and friendly, the children seemed happy and stimulated, and most importantly they seemed to have a good relationship with the staff. The babies I saw seemed to like their carers, and it seemed mutual. The staff also seemed happy there and bantered with each other, suggesting they had good relationships with each other and were happy at work. The facilities were nice too, they had really nice gardens and a nice looking and seemingly well managed baby room.

The third and so far last place I saw was great and definitely my first choice. Amazing facilities, an emphasis on learning but through play, very professional and well run. Of course this is reflected by the price and it is the most expensive of all the places I have looked at. It is £1500+ a month for full time care, which is a scary amount of money. We're back to the debate on whether it is worth going back to work. I'll do a more detailed and competent post on that later, after I've got my head around it.

Where do mums exercise?

I am still struggling with a lot of baby weight and tummy flab to shift and feeling like a sloth because even though I was overweight before I got pregnant I felt and looked ok, or at least I thought so. I was pretty fit - I went to the gym 3-5 times a week, I was definitely more active than most people I knew. Now I am reminded daily how unfit I am compared to then and I have it in my mind how hard it is and how long it can take to get that strength and stamina back and it worries me.

But where does one go to exercise with a baby? Weeks ago I looked into returning to the gym but realised I wasn't yet ready to put Baby in the crèche. Now I figure by the time I do feel comfortable with it I won't be able to afford the gym, or at least be able to justify the cost when I am no longer receiving a salary.

I just began a postnatal pilates class which is good for my back but only gentle as far as exercise goes. I did try buggy workout but as I'm hypermobile and have dodgy knees, back and ankles as a result I'm not supposed to pound the concrete in that way. Plus, the class near me doesn't really work for me.

My main exercise is walking, I try to walk everywhere with the stroller and am pleased with how much further I can go and how much easier it gets all the time. And as the weather brightens up it can only get better. I plan to schedule a daily walk in the park during the summer.

Baby has a swimming class every week and the company who runs them are planning to start parent and baby aqua fitness classes. I definitely plan to go to those.

I'm out of ideas now. I wish there were more postnatal offerings around here. Maybe I need to look at my finances and see if I can afford the gym membership or appeal to generous family and friends for donations!

Under the weather

My poor little baby has a cold, again. I of course can't help feeling like a terrible mother as this is already his second cold in his very short life. I hope it's true about helping them build immunity.

He is Jekyll and Hyde baby at the moment. One minute he is his usual happy self, smiling and babbling, the very next moment he is screaming at the top of his voice. He is very congested and coughing and sneezing but otherwise ok.

What with this and my bad back we are quite the pair at the moment!

Bad back

I'm not sure how, or what I did to it, but I seem to have strained my back. It got worse throughout the day and by the late afternoon I couldn't bend down to pick things up. This makes things very difficult when you have a three month old baby to look after.

Poor kid, hasn't been on his activity mat all day today. I was scared to put him on it in case I couldn't pick him up later. I'm glad it's the weekend and Daddy is around to help out. I really hope I can rest and heal my back within that time.

Scary stuff!

One step forward, two steps back

So did anyone else know that babies regress at 3-4 months? That seems to be a fabulously well kept secret. I think it's unfair of the world not to have warned me!

After finally enjoying full nights of sleep again with Baby sleeping through the night, he has now gone back to the same patterns from over a month ago. This means no longer having evenings back, as well as having to wake up for night feeds once again. I thought sleep would be a linear progression and got lulled into a false sense of security when our little angel started sleeping through the night so soon. Foiled again!!

Worlds colliding

I finally took Baby to my office today to meet my colleagues. It was pretty surreal being back there for the first time in months. It really was like worlds colliding, walking in there pushing my baby in a pram. It was great to see my boss and colleagues and friends again but it also gave me a lot of other mixed emotions.

On the one hand, it brought to the fore how I have been feeling lately about getting me back, just a slight yearning for the old me and my old life back. I miss adult company that doesn't involve talk about breastfeeding and sleep routines and tummy time and who has Pampers on offer this week. I miss a quick drink (or three) at the pub after work. I miss dining out in fine restaurants. Hell, I miss simply eating a meal with both hands most of the time!

On the other it has made me think a lot harder about my situation and how, when and even if I will return to work. I naively thought I would be itching to go back after 6 months but right now I can't even contemplate it, and that's what I went in to tell my boss. I have only just got my rhythm and am enjoying being a full time mum and spending time with my little guy more than I ever imagined I would. He is growing so fast and getting cuter and more fun by the day so how could I even think about missing that if I have the choice? Plus, with summer coming up there is much more fun to be had, with walks and picnics in the park, sitting out in the garden, lunches and coffees outdoors with friends. It would be the worst time to go back to work for me. What on earth was I thinking??

This is of course all related to the disastrous visit with the nursery on Monday. If I don't find something that is worlds better I have trouble imagining myself going back to work at all. I told my boss and HR that my return to work will largely depend on when we can get a place at a suitable nursery, and that may be anytime between September and January. I chatted to Hubby about it this evening and his feeling is, if we don't find suitable childcare I shouldn't go back yet, and even if we do but I am in two minds about leaving Baby there, if I would be working just to pay fees at an expensive nursery when I would rather be doing the childcare myself, then what's the point? So if I want to return to work because I want my independence, my career, my financial independence, etc. that's fine, but if I would like to stay at home with our son for longer then I don't have to. It has given me a lot of food for thought.

I still have a few months to think about it and make a decision. I guess it will depend on a combination of finding suitable childcare and seeing how we do financially during my unpaid months of maternity leave, and also how I feel personally about being completely financially dependent on Hubby. I do feel very lucky to be given the choice. I have always appreciated that it is very difficult for working women to have to face this choice but now these are my own shoes I'm stepping in. Hubby and I are both thankful we had a child here and not in the US (Hubby is American, I'm not just picking on Americans!). It dawned on me that if we had, I would most likely have had to return to work already and that feels unthinkable to me right now. I know that not everyone would feel this way and that if I had to do it I would roll with it, but it is nice to have the choice of taking a year off in the UK even though not all of that would be paid. I also feel blessed to have a supportive husband and to be in a situation where I am not forced down one or the other path.

I guess we'll see how things go. Who knows, a couple of months from now I may be ready to take a step back from full time motherhood and be raring to go back to the office.

I don't want to jinx it but...

the little man slept through the night all night, as in from early evening until morning, 7pm until 6am, as in 11 hours!! I'm sure it was just a fluke and may not happen again for months but, wow!

The first time he slept for a long stretch through the night we woke up in the morning and Hubby said, "It's morning. Did he actually sleep through?" in disbelief. We wondered if he had actually been crying half the night and we were so exhausted we just slept through it all! That's exactly how we felt again this morning.

A full night's sleep comes with a price though. My boobs were so painful and leaky this morning!

The first nursery visit

Today a friend and I went to visit our first nursery (is it daycare in the US??), the start of our search for childcare for our proposed return to work later in the year. I left the place feeling what can only be described as horror! Well, that is perhaps a bit strong but it was certainly not a positive experience and left me feeling very worried about finding somewhere suitable for my baby.

I don't know if my expectations are unrealistically high but I do know you have to feel good about a place you intend to leave your infant for 10 hours a day! This place didn't make me feel that way at all. When we walked into the baby room it smelled funny, there was a chaotic feel about it, it didn't seem that clean and worst of all the staff didn't seem to care much. Am I expecting too much? I expected to see a bright, clean room with a warm atmosphere and staff who were engaging with the children. What we saw was a slightly grotty room with music blasting out of a stereo - they were supposedly doing Music & Movement with the children but what was happening was the children were just jumping around while one carer was looking completely uninterested in them and the other was running around after two kids who were being naughty - and there was still playdoh on the floor from the morning session. The most noticeable thing was that the staff seemed utterly disinterested and really didn't seem to interact much with the kids, the kids with them or even the kids with each other. And it was the same in all three age groups.

I came home and spoke to Hubby about it and he was the voice of calm and reason I needed to hear. He is concerned too but reminded me this was only the first of a few places I would visit and not to worry too much until I had seen the others. What we are both worried about is how tough it may be to get a place at a good nursery if we find one. We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it but right now it all feels a little scary.

The start of something good or too good to be true?

For the last two nights Baby slept through, from around 2am until 7am. We hope this is the start of things to come and isn't just a fluke. It would be great to get some decent sleep again. Fingers crossed!

Baby blues

A few days after my son was born I was hit by the baby blues. Inexplicable tears and sadness are really not helped by sleepless nights! And a couple of days ago I burst into tears just looking at my little boy for no reason other than he is so sweet and cute and perfect and I love him more than I could ever imagine loving anything, and I can't believe he's mine. What a basket case! Anyone know how long this madness is going to last?

Things about childbirth that weren't as expected

Like most women I have heard things about pregnancy/childbirth/babies most of my adult life, but it really is something that you have to experience firsthand to understand. I had certain expectations or an understanding of some things that turned out to be not at all what I expected.

Contractions - Didn't feel like I'd expected. Somehow I thought it would be a pulsing or, well, contracting sensation but mine just felt like plain old pain! I knew they started off as similar to period cramps and get more intense but I was surprised at the feeling of very low and very intense period pain.

Waters breaking - I had been told for many people it is just a trickle or a small gush but you have time to rush off to the bathroom. Not in my case. My waters broke spectacularly and I am thankful it happened in the early morning at home and not while I was out in public. If I had been out at lunch or something, people's feet would have got wet! Also, it didn't stop leaking until the baby was delivered. I had a little gush of fluid with each contraction throughout my labour, I really don't know where it was all coming from. It was pretty tiresome.

Breastfeeding - Somehow you would think it would be the most natural thing in the world but I was surprised at how tough nursing is. I had been warned by friends who had difficulty so I wasn't completely unprepared but it was still a surprise when it was such a learning curve for both me and baby. My nipples are taking a real battering but I keep telling myself it's worth it.

Signs of labour - You're told in late pregnancy what the signs of labour are and what to expect but you really can't know until you actually experience it. But it's true what they say, you will know when it happens. I had quite a few times when I would go, is this it, is this the start of labour? Like, feeling a little wet down there and wondering if it was my waters, but when my waters actually did break there was absolutely no mistaking it. Feeling cramps and wondering if it was a contraction, but when the real contractions start there is no doubt that's what they are. You get the picture.

Delivery - The one thing I really did not know about having a baby was how close it is to having a pooh!! I spent all that time doing pelvic floor exercises thinking it was all about trying to control my lady bits, I did not expect labour to be so much about feeling like I needed to do a huge pooh! And then being told to push into my bottom as if I am doing exactly that. Nor was I prepared for just how uncomfortable that pressure feels when the baby is descending and how much you can feel it despite the epidural. In fact, I asked the midwife to unhook me from the monitor so I could go to the bathroom and she refused, telling me I didn't need to go, it was the baby I could feel and that's a good sign. I totally didn't believe her and was almost in tears thinking I would soil myself. Grim! And I can't even begin to tell you how traumatic it is needing to go number two ever since, I think I am going to push out a baby!

I'm sure there will be many unexpected things about raising a baby too. I'll keep you posted!

The birth story

As promised, this is my birth story. I'm still a little traumatised by the memory of it but at the risk of sounding cliche, it is all worth it when I hold my gorgeous baby boy.

As I'd mentioned, I started to get mild contractions on my due date (Tuesday) which started to get more frequent and uncomfortable through the day and I thought that was the start of things but they subsided into the evening, which was annoying and disappointing. I had some moderate and irregular contractions and other early signs over the next day or so but I was getting really impatient for things to progress. Then Thursday morning and afternoon I had some spotting which then increased and became darker in the evening so I called the hospital and they told me it was probably a show but to come in and check it just in case. We were there all Thursday evening and they confirmed it was a show and sent me home. We got home around 1.00am and my contractions started around 2.30 and got really painful and really frequent very fast. I had a terrible sleepless night being woken by them every few minutes, some of them were much more intense than others. I called the hospital at 6.00am and they said to take Paracetamol (Tylenol), get some rest and eat something for the energy, then call again in two hours. Let me tell you, Paracetamol is worse than useless for contractions! I don't think I was even in bed for more than 15 minutes before I sat up and shouted "Paracetamol is SHIT!!! It doesn't do ANYTHING!". Rest was futile and I never got around to eating anything because my waters broke dramatically at around 7.30 and we called and went straight into hospital. Because I was Group B Strep positive I had to go straight in as soon as my waters broke to get the IV antibiotics started because of the increased risk of infection. At 9.00am I was 4cm dilated but they found meconium in my waters so had to put baby on continuous monitoring which I hated because it meant with that and the IV I had to pretty much be strapped down to the bed. It wasn't the active labour I had hoped for and I found it really uncomfortable being confined to bed like that for hours. It was a long labour, I was progressing but not as fast as we'd like and it looked like the baby was getting distressed. His heartbeat was dropping off after contractions and there was talk of doing an emergency c-section but they did a fetal scalp sample and decided we could continue with labour. The pain was intense, some of the contractions were so much harder than others. The midwife said that happens with meconium in the fluids, it can give some contractions more of an edge. I started off with entonox which made me really drunk/high but after a while didn't take enough of the pain away so I asked for an epidural. After waiting a while for it I got it but it didn't work! At that point I was giving up hope but they redid it and the second one worked a treat. By then I wanted to have the anaesthetist's baby I was so happy!! I had hoped to avoid having an epidural but the way things worked out it felt really necessary because not only was the Entonox no longer effective for some of the more intense contractions, but I was so exhausted by then from a tortured sleepless night and low on energy from an empty stomach (I had last eaten the previous evening but had thrown my guts up since) that I simply wouldn't have had the energy to push if I hadn't had the epidural and managed to sleep for a while once the pain was gone. I finally ended up having an assisted delivery with ventouse, which wasn't exactly the birth I'd wanted but wasn't as bad as I'd expected. The actual pushing stage was quick as we had to deliver urgently by that point. It turned out the cord was wrapped around the baby which was what was causing him distress. Luckily it wasn't around his neck but he was wearing it like a sash and it was pulling him back as he was descending which is why he was showing distress during/after contractions.

Hubby was just amazing, I don't know how I would have done it without him. I know he was worried about being abused and yelled at, that's what people kept telling him would happen, but I didn't lose it with him at all. I don't think I had the energy! I was grateful he was there and he was totally supportive and helpful in all the right ways. What I found invaluable was having him there to encourage me during the pushing. I was so tired and finding it really difficult and it also felt like I was busting blood vessels pushing hard but nothing was happening because I couldn't really feel anything. What encouraged and spurred me on when I was tiring and wanting to give up was him telling me I was doing great and he could see the baby's head. (Of course I didn't believe what the doctors and midwife were telling me!)

Our darling son was born at 9.20pm, very healthy despite his ordeal and mine, so we were thrilled. He was 7.5 lbs and 20.5 inches long. They were pleased that both of us were doing well, even though my body was a battlefield, and let us come home the next day.

We are typical first time parents, gazing adoringly at him all the time and marvelling at how wonderful and perfect he is. He has been keeping us up at night and we are both completely exhausted but it's all totally worth it, he is just amazing.

Two weeks old

The baby celebrated his two week birthday today by losing his cord stump. He is now the proud owner of a brand new belly button!